June 23, 2016 § Leave a comment
Waking from a dream… when it takes at least 5minutes to get my bearings. Where I am. Who I am. What day it is. Is my body intact …
I start at the last thing that moved … ok, left hand. This is my left hand. Where is it? On my chest. MY chest. Heart beating. Whose heart? My heart. Are you sure? No. I mean yes. Wait. Yes. Ok. Yes. MY heart.
It goes on like this for however long it takes until I remember. Where I am. Who I am. … the day. The day is the last to be congealed. Become … solid?
It was 245. The moon was bright through the bathroom window. I reach out for something more real. Connection. Distraction.
At 315, I feel here. Mostly connected. And I can go back to sleep.
September 15, 2012 § Leave a comment
“Your hands are tied in action, but your hands are not tied in imagination — and everything springs forth from the imagination. Everything.”
this morning [well, something that was discussed last week with my student about fingertips] while i was cleaning the stones from the cat’s water dish [if you really want to know, ask in the comments. i’ll explain ;] i became fully aware of just how sensitive my fingertips are and how i rely on them to send me messages of all sorts.
while cleaning the stones, it was all by feel.
i could literally close my eyes and ‘see’ what i was doing.
in the past, i think of this as being something that has always just been a part of me. not something i was actually aware of but just … was.
taking it for granted
after the conversation last weekend, i became more mindful and aware of how my fingers [really. fingers and finger TIPS] feel things and “see” and “know” certain things. very sensitive. very. it really is the finger from that first knuckle bend on up, but especially the upper pads and tips.
hence my very short nails.
i find long nails disconcerting on me [i can grow them. have grown them. even done tips … they are usually gone in a week]
and there is a tremendous amount of strength in them as well.
i could do a good shiatsu or reflexology massage, i bet.
something to think about.
so … anyway
as i prepare to attune my first real student [we all are learning from each other. we are all teacher/student in every which way and i mentor many in my knowledge of energy work and intuition and spirit. but haven’t in a “formal” way. until now.] i am mindful at how the energy flows not only through the body and into the hands as the vehicle to distribution, but also how the finger tips feel
at least for me
like there is a galaxy of stars just waiting to burst forth
something to impart in my teaching
sit with these sensations and really get to know them
how YOU work
stay in touch
September 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
feeling overwhelmed … i need to take a step back but i am not sure what from. hothot shower this morning and man, i wanted to just cry [what is it about showers and crying?] but … i’m just at the edge and they don’t want to come.
this morning was very difficult getting up. i sat with my hands over my eyes [actually a very comforting reiki position. the warmth on the eyes helps the mind relax] wondering what reason … what keeps me getting out of bed?
it is a sense of duty. and that’s not a bad thing. it connects to the reiki precept of doing one’s ‘work’ with diligence and steadfastness. i have responsibilities to others. people who depend on me to show up …
but more than that, it is a duty to myself. a commitment to life and living and healing. i made that contract sitting on my bed the first morning on the psych ward. i WILL get up. i WILL have breakfast, get dressed. i WILL participate to the best of my ability. i WILL survive and thrive again.
that sense of will and duty to myself. … but some days … some days … and today is one.
Kismet has been waking me early [say, around 5am] for booty calls and soft cuddles. on the one hand, this attention is something i crave and most welcome. on the other, it is disturbing my already restless sleep and my thoughts find it hard to be still fresh from waking but still on the edge of sleep.
it’s that twilight state where things are amorphous … neither here nor there and mold-able and slippery. this is the foot wringing part of my day where the aches from a tense body present themselves and the thoughts swirl like galaxies within …
i concentrate on kismet’s purring and soft warm body and at some point i find a peaceful spot to rest until i actually need to get up.
[A traveller puts his head under the edge of the firmament in the original (1888) printing of the Flammarion engraving.]
this morning i find myself also dreading the next step in withdrawal … and i know i am getting ahead of myself … and i know i am actually SENDING fear into the future situation … this is something that will need vigilance to circumvent.
and the day moves forward
stay in touch
August 29, 2012 § 3 Comments
my body is trying it’s hardest to convince me [and really … part of me wants to be convinced] to not go off the klonopin. it’s even throwing depression back in my face as of today, as if to say, ” see? see what could happen? do you want this again?”
but i’m not buying it.
it’s just a trick. a fun house mirror and too much cotton candy.
yet it’s all so real in the moment. and my body aches so very much. and i am not sleeping. and it would be SO damned easy to just give in and up …
but i won’t.
August 27, 2012 § 3 Comments
the plan is to begin again … it’s been since April and i have been … well, i have been healing.
no more thoughts of suicide or that i am a burden. on the right dose of proazc and now coming off the benzo [klonopin] which has me deeply considering the ramifications of addiction. its going to take 4-5 months to come off of this. .25mg down a month and it amazes me just how much my body craves what it feels it it losing … and then … that has me me considering the bigger mental emotional picture and how it all relates to how i have [had] been addicted to behavior and thought as well … and how it’s just as hard to to withdraw from those as it is form any drug/substance.
the creation of new neural pathways and a complete turn around in behavior and thought … and how my healing tools have supported me in the process.
these are the things i will write about more in the coming days. future? i try not to look to far ahead because i can worry myself out of happiness. i cause my own greatest suffering … but i am also my own greatest healer.
… and i also get by with a lot of help from friends and family. i have a great team … and Dorothy will be coming home from oz in due time :)
so stay tuned … and stay in touch.
May 28, 2012 § 5 Comments
I felt the Warmth as I was going to sleep and after a half hour into the 90 minute session, jolted to consciousness but easily went back into a deep warm trance-like slumber. I slept well that night. I mention this because very often I respond to energy work with a restlessness, and this time I did not.
The next day brought a feeling of lightness and opening but for what felt like a lump in my throat. After contacting Pip, she decided that a grounding was in order and that night I received one of the most beautiful connections to ‘Mamma”, as she calls Earth, that I have ever experienced. For two days my feet felt warm and tingly as my connection to solid ground became stronger.
Still the catch in my throat persisted … better, but still something was lodged there. Through further discussion via e-mail [Pip is wonderful about responding and very nurturing in her communication] she suggested no further energy work from her but for me to work on my own to release what was pent up in my throat chakra area from crown to feet.
It was a slower process for me as this is/was a wound from a very long time ago that I have not voiced in a long time … if ever. The lump is gone, but I know there is more love that this wound needs.
I am grateful for Pip’s gentle lightwork, for if it had not been for this lovely session, I would not have been able to clear, and continue to clear, this hinderence to my growth and healing from depression. She has a commitment not only to her craft but also to the people she works on/with.
Pip also carries a true gift of healing as an openhearted conduit to Source. Her connection is clean and pure with little expectation other than for your highest good … and you get it in spades.
April 11, 2012 § 1 Comment
i can feel that i am on the verge of beating this … it’s like being on a see-saw but i am getting closer to that point of balance.
i am very tired lately, feel weak legged, and my stomach is cramping. but instead of resting i have been pushing and pushing to “be well” … however, my body is forcing me to sit and assimilate. literally. to see where i’ve come from … see what’s ahead
just relax into it all.
so i got up and took a very hot shower.
washed with indian sandalwood soap and oiled my body afterwards with jasmine and patchouli.
feet too. soft socks layered [i have these sport shorty socks that have a extra tightness around the arch. i love them when i feel unbalanced. they are a comfort.]
i am dressed in soft polar fleece and have the comfortable weight of blankets surrounding me on my makeshift chaise [a chair pulled close to the sofa].
mr. bear is on the chair watching me with a smile and i have coffee and then apple cider vinegar and honey water to sip until i feel like i can eat.
it’s going to be a sleep-wake-sleep-wake sort of day and that’s ok.
mood wise i actually feel ok.
and this is a good thing.